Sunday, February 22, 2009

Mighty Wind

February 22nd, Somewhere in FL

Me- (I blow some burnt food out of the demonstration pan to show the non-stick properties)
C- (A teen girl and her mother stand agast at my action. The teen speaks.) "Gross. It has your spit all over it."
Me- ( I smile big) "I'm not going to serve it to you! The surface allows for..."
C- (Interrupting loudly) "Why don't you just blow food out of your pans with a fart. Mom, is that not the dumbest thing you've ever witnessed?"

Friday, February 20, 2009


February 20th, Somewhere in FL

Me- (Answering this younger guy's question) "No. The handles are guaranteed not to break or come loose."
C- "I can break 'em!" (Grabs pot and bangs the handle hard on table. Nothing happens.) "Soft table." (He then drops the pot on the floor in front of the booth, then picks it up and examines it closely.)
Me- "Soft concrete floor too, huh jackass?"
C- (Proceeds to threaten me. His girlfriend comes over and apologizes for him, and they finally leave after about 10 more minutes of shit talking.)

Stand Up Routine

February 19th, Somewhere in FL

Me- (Feeling like the woman in front of me can handle a gross fabrication, I answer her question about the warranty with the following, with a dead-pan delivery) "So, when you get the set home, put a small pot aside. Plant it in your yard about 4 feet down in a spot that will get plenty of sun. Then MAGIC. In about 8-10 years your [brand] tree will yield you at least 2-3 sets of new cookware. That's a guarantee you can count on."
C- "I won't even dignify that with an answer."
Me- "Oh. Well, I thought it'd be funny. It wasn't even a little humorous?"
C- "Creative, but stupid." (Walks away)

Friday, February 13, 2009

I Missed Something

February 13th, Somewhere in FL

C1- (Five women approach) "What he selling?"
C2- "Lies, lies, and more lies. And some more lies on top of those. He selling." (She addresses me directly) "What's this?"
Me- (I give a brief presentation, and pretend to not be affected by three of the women making the most ridiculous 'I don't believe you' faces.)
C3- "Oh yeah, does it cure cancer?"
C1- "You know it doesn't [name]. Why ask him?"
C2- "Hmm. Lies... like I said!"
Me- "Did you just ask me if a pan cures cancer, lady? Were you attempting to ask another question?" (I try to not get pissed, because they're blocking people who want to see what I'm selling)
C3- "No, it's dangerous. I'm just preaching the truth."
C1- "Yes she is."
Me- "Please help me." (I turn my head and single out an older woman watching from afar and smile big. I try to lighten things up.) "They're picking on me."
C4- (The woman I shouted to folds her arms and yells back) "You lost. If it doesn't cure cancer, they have a point."

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Wise Guy

February 7th, Somewhere in FL

C-(Yells as he walks past me) "These days everything'll kill ya. Don't need to see any of that [curdla? I think he said]. Everything's got lead and nuclear junk in it. You eat it- dead. You drink it- dead. Just like that Mr. Salesman. Don't care no more Nobody."
Me- "You're still here. You're not dead, from what I can tell." (I look around and some other passers by chuckle at our exchange.) "What's your secret?"
C- "I'm Italian. We're immortal. Maybe it's our diet. Cook me up some pasta in your fancy pan, [sounded like gadoo?]."

Health Food

February 7th, Somewhere in FL

C- (Concerned middle-aged woman approaches me, rhythmically chewing gum and wide-eyed)
"My mother asked me the other day if eating the coating that flakes off of the non-stick pans was good for you. Does it have minerals in it or something. Is it a metal? You're a chef, know that kinda thing...or don't you learn that kinda thing in cooking school?"
Me- "It's toxic."
C- "Are you some kinda doctor then? Is that a chef's jacket or a doctor's jacket?"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Talking It Up

February 6th, Somewhere in FL

C- (Young girl cautiously approaches my booth with her older brother and sister, and sees that I'm cooking onions. She stares at me for a minute, then skips over and points to the onions.) "Can I have some?"
Me- "Sorry, Miss, I don't hand out food. I show people how these pans work. How old are you? My daughter is 3. You look about 5."
C- "I know what happens. Mama makes onions, and peppers, and other things, and, and Daddy slaps her on the behind and they kiss. They usually tell me I have to go outside. How come?"
(Her siblings yell for their mother, and they tell her that [name] is talking it up again.)
Me- (Shocked at the honesty and a bit embarrassed) "Onions make your eyes water." (Her mother spots her, and comes over and picks her up.)
C2- "Leave the man alone. He just selling pots and pans. We don't need none. Come on."

The Uprising

February 6th, Somewhere in FL

Me- (I crack a egg in a glass and begin to whisk it for the demonstration.)
C- "Oh no." (Woman covers her mouth, leans over and makes some gutteral coughs.) "Please...don't. Oh God!"
Me- "What, the egg?"
C- "Oh, please no, NO!" (I stop and put the egg down behind the booth.)
Me- "Are you OK ma'am?"
C- (Making gagging sounds with her hand over her mouth) "Please stop. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Ahhh. Oh." (Turns away)
C2- (Her husband comes over and puts his arms around her) "Honey?"
C- "He was making an egg and didn't tell me. Oh God. I almost threw up."
Me- "I'm so sorry, I didn't know..." (Now a small crowd has formed and several older women are whispering and shaking their heads at me. One walks away, apparently in disgust, and waves a diapproving hand through the air in my direction.)
C- "I'm sensitive, jerk!" (Nobody comes around for a few minutes, so I take a break.)